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Saying "You Don't Appreciate..." is Almost Always An Fight Starter
Examples: And Variations On "You Don't Appreciate Me"
· You don’t appreciate me.
· You don’t appreciate how hard I work to pay the bills.
· You don’t appreciate that I’ve not taken a single sick day while I’ve worked here.
Explanation: Why This Starts Fights
As with most of the phrases beginning with “you”, this one will be perceived as an accusation. Beyond that, it refers to something “inside of the other person”. That means you are commenting on YOUR inference, rather than on their behavior, or on an objective fact. Yet, you are stating your inference as fact.
That’s a problem. Do you want to argue about whether the other person appreciates you or not? Or, do you want to work with the other person so YOU will feel more appreciated, and perhaps, encourage the other person to DO things that show appreciation?
It’s kind of a no-brainer, isn’t it?
Make It Better:
Take ownership of your own perceptions and feelings by removing the YOU at the start of the sentences.
· I know you realize how hard I work to pay the bills, but I’d sure like to hear about it a little more.
· One of the things I’m proud of is my perfect attendance record. Is that something you feel is valuable?
· Sometimes, on hard days, I feel like I’m under-appreciated. It would be great if you could show your feelings a bit more when I’m having a tough day.
About The Author
Robert's books have sold over 300 thousand copies worldwide, and have been translated into Chinese, French, German and Japanese.
He holds a Masters Degree in Applied Psychology, and has taught clinical and counselling psychology at the college level.
You can browse his Amazon Author page by clicking the graphic above.
Fun Endorsements
Just Jenny from the block signing at the International Conference: Shut Your Trap, Listen, And Have The Relationship You Want