Top : Marriages - Making Them Work : Five Essential Skills - Gottman Research

Predicting What Marriages Will Last And Which Will End In Divorce - What It Means For You By Robert Bacal

Imagine if it was possible to predict what marriages would last, and which ones would end up in divorce. That would be a huge stride forward, and that's exactly what John Gottman and his colleagues have been doing over the last few DECADES.

Claims Of Success

Gottman and all claim that it is possible to observe couples for as little as fifteen minutes, and, based on that observation, predict with some amazing levels of accuracy, what relationships will last, and what relationships will fail. The claims, if true are astounding and meaningful. In this section you'll learn a lot more about the research, how it was done, its strengths and weaknesses.

What It Means For You

Does this research suggest what you can DO to make a marriage or relationship last? Yes, and no. The Yes part is that the researchers boiled down their findings into five "skills" that seemed to make all the difference.

Dr. John Brent Atkinson summarized them as follows:

1. Partners use a ‘soft start-up’ to bring up an issue.
2. Partners are open to their partner’s influence.
3. Partners know how to make “repairs” after an upset.
4. Partners honor one another’s dreams and aspirations.
5. Partners observe a 5 to 1 ratio of positivity

What Predicts Divorce?

Here are six signs that a marriage is headed for divorce based directly on Gottman's work:

1. A Harsh Startup
2. The Four Horsemen
   
3. Flooding
4. Body Language
5. Failed Repair Attempts
6. Bad Memories

These may seem general, but as you'll find out they are associated with specific observable things couples do and say.

That means that it's possible for you and your partner to learn some of the skills that are associated with long term marriage success.

A Caution About Cause, and Prediction

Gottman's work was about predicting relationships success, and not necessarily about finding out WHY some relationships work and don't work. It's a very subtle difference, because it's possible for something to predict something without it actually causing something.

So, as you read through all the literature on the topic below, keep in mind that it may be harder to apply these findings than you'd think, and that they might not be "magic bullets".