Preface

You Are In This Book!

 You’re human. You have relationships, at home and at work that are important to you, whether they are with colleagues, and managers, or with family members. The quality of those relationships depends a lot on how you communicate, what you say, and how you say things.

 The challenge is that we are all human, and we’re all imperfect. We get upset. We say things we later regret. Sometimes we say things that, inadvertently make our relationships rocky, only finding out when the other person reacts negatively to what we’ve said. And sometimes, we’re surprised when we get those responses.

 No matter how good you think you are at communicating, no matter how much education and training you have had, and no matter how old you are, you make mistakes. And pay the price.

 We’ve identified one hundred and one common phrases people use that damage their relationships, and I guarantee you that you will find phrases in this book that you’ve used, and probably still use. This doesn’t make you a bad person. It doesn’t make you someone who doesn’t care about other people. It just means you are human —  A human being who sometimes uses imperfect phrases. Make no mistake about it, though. Even though we’re all imperfect, and don’t set out to harm relationships with those important to us, we can’t avoid the negative impact of these phrases.

 Every time you use one of the imperfect phrases in this book, you chip away at the core of your relationships. You damage trust. You damage credibility. You portray yourself in a negative light. As a result you create arguments when none are necessary. Bad feelings are created both for you, and the people around you. These phrases cause pain.

 The Solution:

 There IS a solution, and that’s where this book comes in. It’s simple. Once you know the 101 toxic phrases in this book, and why they are damaging, you can start to REPLACE those phrases with words that don’t hurt, that invite discussion and dialogue rather than argument, and build the foundation of your relationships instead of eroding it.

 Of course, success in relationships requires more than changing what you say, but you’ll find that by changing the words you use, you’ll take a massive step towards building the relationships you want.

 This book is a practical solution to help you with your relationships. Each set of common imperfect phrases comes with an explanation of why the phrases are eroding your relationships, and more importantly, what to say instead.

 Is it easy to change what you say? To eliminate the imperfect phrases from your vocabulary? You bet. While you can read as many books as you like, it’s still up to you to apply what you’ve learned to the world around you. The benefits are huge. But at least now, you have a tool, a guide, to help you identify the changes you need to make.

 Dedication

 I’d like to dedicate this book to Suzette Haden-Elgin, psycholinguist, science fiction author, and a whole lot more, who, many years ago, inspired me to look at how people use language, through her verbal self-defence books.

 Disclaimer

 The contents of this books should never be used to replace professional assistance — counselling, and services from psychologists and psychiatrists.

The contents of this book work generally, but keep in mind that each relationship is different and unique. Phrases that are toxic in one relationship may work well in another relationship, so you MUST use your own judgment as to what will work and not work in your particular relationship.