Judgement Wrapped In A Question: "Why Is This Such A Big Deal For You?

 Examples of Judgmental Questions:

· Why is this such a big deal for you? It wouldn’t bother me.

· Why is this such a big deal?

Explanation:

You might be able to get away with these phrases without causing an argument, if you used something other than “a big deal”. That part alone sounds judgmental even if you don’t intend it to be, and so it’s going to cause an argument.

Regardless though, there are a lot of messages — negative messages underlying these phrases. For example, “Hey, it wouldn’t bother me, so be more like me”, or “Don’t feel what you are feeling”, and “What you are feeling is wrong”.

If your intent is to open up a discussion to help the other person cope with something that’s upsetting them, do so in a way that recognizes that he or she has a right to feel the way he or she does. And that those feelings are real.

If you try to convince someone not to feel the way he or she feels, you create an unsafe environment where the person will hesitate to confide in you.

 Make It Better - How To Stop Using Questions To State An Opinion:

The trick is to both help, and invite a discussion, without judgment. Here are some example:

· Eric, I know you are upset about what your boss said. I don’t know what I would do in that situation, but let’s talk about it, if it would help.

· We’re all different, so maybe I wouldn’t take it so hard, but your feelings are important. Do you want to talk?