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I Will If You Will - Childish, Tit For Tat Communication
Examples:
I’ll lose weight if you stop smoking.
I will stop yelling if you do.
I’ll be honest with you if you stop lying to me.
Explanation:
These phrases make YOUR behavior dependent on the actions of the other person, and while that’s not always a bad thing, it may be you are avoiding doing something good for YOURSELF because the other person won’t do what you are asking. It’s giving away, or avoiding responsibility.
What do these phrases say to the other person? That you are making the other person responsible for YOUR actions, and that’s coercive.
The third example is much worse. Have you decided to do something destructive (lying) because you believe the other person does that? How is this going to make a relationship better? Add to that the accusation that the other person is a liar, and you have a really nasty situation. Aren’t you better than that?
Make It Better: Take Responsibility and Initative
There are two keys here. First, take responsibility for our own actions, and do the “right” thing because...well, it’s the right thing. Second, work together to achieve personal goals. Here are some examples:
Maybe you can help me lose weight, and I can help you to stop smoking. Can you think of ways I can help you?
Let’s both stop yelling at each other, and maybe we can work this out.
We can’t have a relationship based on dishonesty. Let’s agree to be more open.
About The Author
Robert's books have sold over 300 thousand copies worldwide, and have been translated into Chinese, French, German and Japanese.
He holds a Masters Degree in Applied Psychology, and has taught clinical and counselling psychology at the college level.
You can browse his Amazon Author page by clicking the graphic above.
Fun Endorsements
Just Jenny from the block signing at the International Conference: Shut Your Trap, Listen, And Have The Relationship You Want